The Breast Cancer Site

Friday, March 22, 2013

Confused - Need some advice

I'm so confused. After 55 yrs, 33 of them married, I finally found a man I gave my entire heart to. I left an emotionally abusive married back in 2011 to be with, what I believed to be, a very loving man. He paid for a plane ticket to "rescue" me so I could start a new life with him. And now, 16 months later, I find myself 2,000 miles away from him. He became frustrated, I started clamming up. He became abusive with his words (calling me an idiot, stupid, unthinking, an overgrown 55 yr old child), I became a shut-in.
During the 13 months I was in California only 8 months were actually living with him, he kept sending me away. First because he had lost his job, thought he was going to be homeless, so he sent me to my friends' house downstate. A few weeks later, he sent for me, a job had come through. Six weeks later, he became frustrated again and began calling me names, nothing I did was right. I didn't cook the foods he wanted and what I knew how to cook he would not eat it. I cooked the bacon too long (though after a few tries I finally got it right). I overcooked the french fries, under-cooked the fish sticks and shrimp. He was so picky about how he cooked his food and I was so afraid of getting it wrong (not to his liking) that I did "get it wrong". And all this coming from a woman who cooked for a houseful of children and 2 different husbands, along with countless Church Sunday Buffets.
Oh I could clean, he did like that, though he kept telling me he didn't need help with cleaning "HIS" place.
So the result was to send me away again to my friends house, so I could "work on myself", "figure out how to take care of myself". See I was a housewife and mother for 27 of the 33 years I was married, it had been so long since I was in the workforce, nobody wanted to hire me.
Two more times he sent me away, and paid to bring me back. I felt like a yo-yo. Never staying in one place long enough to get over the hurt and pain of rejection I was feeling, that I never did "work on myself".
Two months ago he sent me away again, this time 2,000 miles away, though he did tell me he wished I would stay in the state, but I had burnt the bridges of the 2 friends whom I had stayed with because both women didn't want me going back to him, they, both, stating that he was not good for me. So, at the end of 2012 he started again with "I wish you had somewhere else to go" - "I need my space" - "We would work out great if you had a job and had your place to live in, then I could come visit when I wanted to and then go home" - "I didn't sign up to take care of a 55 yr old grown ass woman". So friends I have in a different state, a different state is where I told him to send me.
Many times before, and a few times after, he bought the bus ticket to travel across the country, he told me he wished I would stay, he wished I could have found a job to take the pressure off of him, he really did love me, he was going to miss me. Even after I was already on the bus, he text me saying he had half the mind to come and get me off the bus, but I guess somehow I knew it would never happen.
Now, a little over 2 months later, while I am working on myself, seeing a therapist, getting some much needed medical work done, he sends me an email. He is empty without me, an emptiness in his soul that only I can fill. He states that if I were to come back "NOW", find a job, help him out, work on myself there, he will stop and drop all plans he is having about moving in with a "female friend" (purely platonic) so he can save money to go visit his grandbabies on the east coast and buy a new car come the end of the year. And I am torn. I feel like I am making headway with myself, though I haven't found a job yet. I am scared to death of going back to the relationship the way it was when I left but on the other hand I am longing for the relationship we had before I arrived by his side and the relationship we had in the beginning.
There is so much more about me that he does not like: my constantly telling him I love him, cute little love notes in his lunch, my wanted to cater to him such as making his lunch and ironing his work clothes every morning, crap one night I made dinner and cut my meat before setting the plate on the table and I thought I would do that for him too, but I got yelled at for making him feel like a child who needs his mother to cut up his damned food for him.
So my question is what do I do? I do have an emptiness for the love he had for me in the beginning, it was so beautiful. I love him, or at least I keep telling myself that I love him. I feel like my heart is telling me to go back and do everything he wants me to do just so I can be with him, and my brain is telling me to stay where I am and finish "doing me" so I can be a good person, a loving woman.
I did email him back and told him I wanted to stay and work on me, that is when he turned it around and told me that life wasn't about me, but about doing for the person you love, so IF I really love him I will go back and end his loneliness, re-fill that empty space in him.

OH but I need help and some advice right now. Can anybody help this lost 55 yr old fool????????????????????????????????????

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

RAW VIDEO: Shoveling snow in Fairborn

RAW VIDEO: Shoveling snow in Fairborn

Monday, December 13, 2010

Vintage Lace Square

One of the lady's in the crochet group I belong too (AtMyHouse) made and shared the pattern she used.  I thought this square was lovely and wondered what it would look like in some Christmasy colors.  The pattern can be found here and below is my results.  Thanks Dobey for sharing this really easy pattern, and I hope you don't get too cold tonight - hehehehe - I still got some soup left from dinner :-)  Love ya!

Monday, December 6, 2010

Well, another day of crocheting.  After 45 potholders, 20 hotpads, 10 towel rings, 12 slippers, endless count of dishcloth/facecloths & scrubbies, I have finished this day with 15 Angel Dishcloths, which were a breaze to do and the pattern can be found here .  So cruising the highway of crochet patterns what do my eyes find but a couple of really cute and easy Bangle Bracelets, you can find the patterns on Don't Eat The Paste,   what a great name!!!
Here are mine, along with one of the 15 Angel Dishclothes:

Until, next time...May your days be merry and bright......and may ALL your Christmas' be white!!  :-)