The Breast Cancer Site

Friday, March 22, 2013

Confused - Need some advice

I'm so confused. After 55 yrs, 33 of them married, I finally found a man I gave my entire heart to. I left an emotionally abusive married back in 2011 to be with, what I believed to be, a very loving man. He paid for a plane ticket to "rescue" me so I could start a new life with him. And now, 16 months later, I find myself 2,000 miles away from him. He became frustrated, I started clamming up. He became abusive with his words (calling me an idiot, stupid, unthinking, an overgrown 55 yr old child), I became a shut-in.
During the 13 months I was in California only 8 months were actually living with him, he kept sending me away. First because he had lost his job, thought he was going to be homeless, so he sent me to my friends' house downstate. A few weeks later, he sent for me, a job had come through. Six weeks later, he became frustrated again and began calling me names, nothing I did was right. I didn't cook the foods he wanted and what I knew how to cook he would not eat it. I cooked the bacon too long (though after a few tries I finally got it right). I overcooked the french fries, under-cooked the fish sticks and shrimp. He was so picky about how he cooked his food and I was so afraid of getting it wrong (not to his liking) that I did "get it wrong". And all this coming from a woman who cooked for a houseful of children and 2 different husbands, along with countless Church Sunday Buffets.
Oh I could clean, he did like that, though he kept telling me he didn't need help with cleaning "HIS" place.
So the result was to send me away again to my friends house, so I could "work on myself", "figure out how to take care of myself". See I was a housewife and mother for 27 of the 33 years I was married, it had been so long since I was in the workforce, nobody wanted to hire me.
Two more times he sent me away, and paid to bring me back. I felt like a yo-yo. Never staying in one place long enough to get over the hurt and pain of rejection I was feeling, that I never did "work on myself".
Two months ago he sent me away again, this time 2,000 miles away, though he did tell me he wished I would stay in the state, but I had burnt the bridges of the 2 friends whom I had stayed with because both women didn't want me going back to him, they, both, stating that he was not good for me. So, at the end of 2012 he started again with "I wish you had somewhere else to go" - "I need my space" - "We would work out great if you had a job and had your place to live in, then I could come visit when I wanted to and then go home" - "I didn't sign up to take care of a 55 yr old grown ass woman". So friends I have in a different state, a different state is where I told him to send me.
Many times before, and a few times after, he bought the bus ticket to travel across the country, he told me he wished I would stay, he wished I could have found a job to take the pressure off of him, he really did love me, he was going to miss me. Even after I was already on the bus, he text me saying he had half the mind to come and get me off the bus, but I guess somehow I knew it would never happen.
Now, a little over 2 months later, while I am working on myself, seeing a therapist, getting some much needed medical work done, he sends me an email. He is empty without me, an emptiness in his soul that only I can fill. He states that if I were to come back "NOW", find a job, help him out, work on myself there, he will stop and drop all plans he is having about moving in with a "female friend" (purely platonic) so he can save money to go visit his grandbabies on the east coast and buy a new car come the end of the year. And I am torn. I feel like I am making headway with myself, though I haven't found a job yet. I am scared to death of going back to the relationship the way it was when I left but on the other hand I am longing for the relationship we had before I arrived by his side and the relationship we had in the beginning.
There is so much more about me that he does not like: my constantly telling him I love him, cute little love notes in his lunch, my wanted to cater to him such as making his lunch and ironing his work clothes every morning, crap one night I made dinner and cut my meat before setting the plate on the table and I thought I would do that for him too, but I got yelled at for making him feel like a child who needs his mother to cut up his damned food for him.
So my question is what do I do? I do have an emptiness for the love he had for me in the beginning, it was so beautiful. I love him, or at least I keep telling myself that I love him. I feel like my heart is telling me to go back and do everything he wants me to do just so I can be with him, and my brain is telling me to stay where I am and finish "doing me" so I can be a good person, a loving woman.
I did email him back and told him I wanted to stay and work on me, that is when he turned it around and told me that life wasn't about me, but about doing for the person you love, so IF I really love him I will go back and end his loneliness, re-fill that empty space in him.

OH but I need help and some advice right now. Can anybody help this lost 55 yr old fool????????????????????????????????????


  1. It's your choice but I think you're friends were right. Don't go back. How many times do you have to go back before you realise he isn't good for you. He will wear you down and chip away at any self esteem you have. You look after yourself and stay away from bad vibes. Lift yourself up and stay away from anyone who puts you down.

  2. I don't know you, I'm only 36 myself, but I was in a relationship EXTREMELY similar to yours. However, the guy was a pathological liar and a drunk. A year and 4 months was too long. There's nothing wrong with you and there's nothing wrong with the way you cook.

    If life is allegedly about doing for those you love, then he would have done for you in the very first place and all the latter nonsense would have never happened. He's a man-child and you can do better.

    Stay strong! The right one is out there. <3 - for when you want to look at crochet. =)

  3. Thank you Lydia and Shelly. You don't know what your words have done for me. It is June 12th, and I did not go back on May 10th like he wanted me to, but boy was he angry and spiteful when I told him I was staying where I am at. I was called everything except a 'white woman'. I choose to not answer his calls, texts and emails, but one thing I did that I should have never done, was read all the words he sent, which were like pouring vinegar and salt on an open wound. And on a positive note, therapy is going well. I do suggest to anyone out there who may be going through what I am, get out and get help. Surround yourself with the people who love, support and encourage you. And, for me, maybe even for you, find a Bible based church filled with loving, caring people. The one I found has helped me far beyond my imagination and I know through God and therapy, I will survive and stand tall again.